Age: 20
As I woke up this morning I noticed my poster that is directly in front of my bed. Written on it is the quote,
"Change: Change is the Essence of Life. Be Willing to Surrender what you are, for what you could become."
As a Twenty year old, living in what most say the prime of his life, this quote proves to be more than relevant but essential to fulfilling ones self actualization. Change has been a common motif in my life the past five years. Although the main theme of my life has stayed consistent being "reaching success," the faces in my "so-called life" have changed at a furious pace.
The last couple of days I have thought about all of those people, who have seemingly faded out of my novel called "Life." Even those who I would have called my best friends in high school, I hardly talk to anymore...unless if it is through facebook or AIM. I have become even more concerned with Change in my life because of this four year intensive introspective process (undergrad).
No two years these last three years has been similar. Freshmen year was fun and amusing because everything was new. There were new places to go and new people to get to know. Sophomore year was not that enjoyable. I expected it to be a blast, however it was mediocre at best. I wasn't having fun or doing well in school. But I needed that year in my life. I learned a lot about myself and the people around me. As my best friend, "King Callaway" (throwback nickname) says "Life is about experiences." I completely agree and believe I will learn from each "L" and grow.
Now I am at a new point at my life. I just realized it today. I know for a fact I know myself better than any other point in my life. Things seem to be going in the right direction concerning my career, my academics, and spiritually (although I have been slipping a little). I finally am used to New York and I have to say it will probably go down as my best decision in life moving here for college.
That's funny I hadn't planned to write about, change in myself but how change has affected my friendships. But just as my father says we all change and life you are only guaranteed a small group of close friends. Which makes me think of a question I should as myself more often: If I always embrace Change for the better in my own life, why do I feel so threatened and even angry if someone I consider a friend allows change to occur in their own life?...I'm only 20 but I know I will be pondering about that for years to come.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Old Journal Entry II: "My Choices" (ELS)
Age: 19
I am experiencing my “quarter life” crisis and life as a young adult seems very complicated at times. Each day my morals, my personality, and my beliefs can be challenged. There is not a day where I do not find myself questioning who I am or who I want to be.
Like one great philosopher said, "For every good thing something bad is a reaction to it—and consequently it must happen.” This quote is relevant to my present position in life because I am currently realizing each day that there is no universal “guaranteed success” path for life. Despite my effort to please the most people I can, I have learned sadly that I can never please everyone! It does not matter if I become the "sell out" corporate lawyer or the Ché Guevara T-shirt wearing activist—not everyone will agree with my life decisions. But this is rightly so because my decisions concern my life. This subtle "fact of life" will enable me to mature more as a man.
However, challenging my personal values will also contribute to my progression to adulthood. I find that it is simultaneously a sad and proud moment of introspection when I encounter threats to my basis of beliefs. I would compare this process of self-examination to surgery.
My numerous doctors are my peers, who consistently diagnosis me with "infections" by simply posing questions or presenting an opposing view that causes me to think critical of myself. When I encounter these ideas I begin to question and cut the part of my opinions that I feel is not conducive to who I want to become. This past year alone I have discovered previously undetected "infections" such as misogyny, homophobia, and racism—which I feel all resulted from 18 years in Middle America with no prescriptions of critical thinking.
Despite all the time I have spent in America's Bible belt and being consumed with
ignorance and complacency, I have begun to acquire a critical mind that I can use to
combat these illnesses. I feel this use of critical thinking enables one to get closer to
one’s true beliefs. If I examine my values critically from different perspectives and still believe in those same values, then I know I sincerely accept them as truth—instead of believing something my entire life because someone taught me to believe it.
I am experiencing my “quarter life” crisis and life as a young adult seems very complicated at times. Each day my morals, my personality, and my beliefs can be challenged. There is not a day where I do not find myself questioning who I am or who I want to be.
Like one great philosopher said, "For every good thing something bad is a reaction to it—and consequently it must happen.” This quote is relevant to my present position in life because I am currently realizing each day that there is no universal “guaranteed success” path for life. Despite my effort to please the most people I can, I have learned sadly that I can never please everyone! It does not matter if I become the "sell out" corporate lawyer or the Ché Guevara T-shirt wearing activist—not everyone will agree with my life decisions. But this is rightly so because my decisions concern my life. This subtle "fact of life" will enable me to mature more as a man.
However, challenging my personal values will also contribute to my progression to adulthood. I find that it is simultaneously a sad and proud moment of introspection when I encounter threats to my basis of beliefs. I would compare this process of self-examination to surgery.
My numerous doctors are my peers, who consistently diagnosis me with "infections" by simply posing questions or presenting an opposing view that causes me to think critical of myself. When I encounter these ideas I begin to question and cut the part of my opinions that I feel is not conducive to who I want to become. This past year alone I have discovered previously undetected "infections" such as misogyny, homophobia, and racism—which I feel all resulted from 18 years in Middle America with no prescriptions of critical thinking.
Despite all the time I have spent in America's Bible belt and being consumed with
ignorance and complacency, I have begun to acquire a critical mind that I can use to
combat these illnesses. I feel this use of critical thinking enables one to get closer to
one’s true beliefs. If I examine my values critically from different perspectives and still believe in those same values, then I know I sincerely accept them as truth—instead of believing something my entire life because someone taught me to believe it.
Thursday, November 3, 2005
Old Journal Entry I: Things will fall in place if I have Faith (ELS)
Age: 20
How am I feeling right now? I think I'm good. Things are going well: I am doing well in my four classes, I have a great internship where I'm learning a lot in my desired field, and I am in great health. But, but, but...I feel like something is missing. However I don't need to talk to any friend because I know the answer. I need a closer relationship...with God. I went to church last Sunday at First Corinthians in Harlem. I love that church and the Pastor. He delivered a beautiful sermon that any and every black college student would find helpful. Stop Stressin' was the subject. He discussed how we as humans always tend to worry about things that we have no power to control. Studies have shown that 80 percent of what we as humans worry about doesn't even come into reality. So that is nothing but wasted energy.
He then discussed how God promises us all of those things that we need if we place our concern on his kingdom. Basically all this expounds on is the importance of faith in life. If I think everything is going to wrong...more than likely it will. Another example of a distraction placed on our hearts is this spirit of loneliness. When the Pastor stated this, I felt as though he was putting me on blast in front of the congregation. I can't lie for the last three years I have been "girl-crazy." I couldn't imagine the actually amount of time that I have wasted speculating on if I could talk to or date a certain girl. I have honestly not been acting like a 20 year old but rather a 39 year old virgin who is afraid he will never "find" anyway. However this anxiousness has caused me to learn a lot of hard but important lessons of life. I have no need to resolve to desperation. So the moral of the story is this kids: If I seek the Kingdom of God, the Lord will provide me with all my desires--that law degree, that MBA, that job, that career, and that woman that I need.
How am I feeling right now? I think I'm good. Things are going well: I am doing well in my four classes, I have a great internship where I'm learning a lot in my desired field, and I am in great health. But, but, but...I feel like something is missing. However I don't need to talk to any friend because I know the answer. I need a closer relationship...with God. I went to church last Sunday at First Corinthians in Harlem. I love that church and the Pastor. He delivered a beautiful sermon that any and every black college student would find helpful. Stop Stressin' was the subject. He discussed how we as humans always tend to worry about things that we have no power to control. Studies have shown that 80 percent of what we as humans worry about doesn't even come into reality. So that is nothing but wasted energy.
He then discussed how God promises us all of those things that we need if we place our concern on his kingdom. Basically all this expounds on is the importance of faith in life. If I think everything is going to wrong...more than likely it will. Another example of a distraction placed on our hearts is this spirit of loneliness. When the Pastor stated this, I felt as though he was putting me on blast in front of the congregation. I can't lie for the last three years I have been "girl-crazy." I couldn't imagine the actually amount of time that I have wasted speculating on if I could talk to or date a certain girl. I have honestly not been acting like a 20 year old but rather a 39 year old virgin who is afraid he will never "find" anyway. However this anxiousness has caused me to learn a lot of hard but important lessons of life. I have no need to resolve to desperation. So the moral of the story is this kids: If I seek the Kingdom of God, the Lord will provide me with all my desires--that law degree, that MBA, that job, that career, and that woman that I need.
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