Minesweeper......An idiot's guide to significant others

Disclaimer: Very disjointed post, this issue has flustered me over the last couple days so i decided to share enjoy :)

There's one sad truth in life I've found

While journeying east and west -

The only folks we really wound

Are those we love the best.

We flatter those we scarcely know,

We please the fleeting guest,

And deal full many a thoughtless blow

To those who love us best.

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

People say life is a lot like checkers, I say it's more similar to the computer program entitled minesweeper. In my relationships with people, I've found that you always have to calculate your moves and weigh out the consequences for your actions fiercely.

In dealing with others, I thought it would be simple to just let things happen organically. To wit, basically treat others how you want to be treated and everything in the universe will work out to the good. In the past week, I've learned that this is not the case. I've learned that things that I deem unimportant and of non-worth can create serious issues with others in my life. In order to not give too much away, I'll try to introduce to you a hypothetical dialogue between Deborah and Jonathon.

Deborah: What did you have for breakfast last tuesday?

Jonathan: I have no idea, maybe some toast, possibly a scrambled egg.....

Deborah: (agitated) And you didn't think that I would want to know that?

Jonathan: I didn't think it was important, since you weren't here to cook it and we were on a breakfast hiatus, i didnt think it was a big deal

Deborah: Not a big deal, but i told you what I had for breakfast (voice beginning to crack), I mean, I'm not upset that you had breakfast, just that you didn't tell me. I don't think I can ever trust you again, you with held something this important from me. I feel lied to......

This conversation continues off and on for the better part of a week.

Deborah: I'm totally over it, and apologize for acting out so.......Dont you have something to say?

Jonathan: No, well, I apologize that this has upset you so.

Deborah: That's not good enough.

Jonathan: Well that's all i've got.

Deborah: Bye

(insert proverbial explosion icon)

Jonathan feels like absolute crap over this, and what he doesn't realize is that his relationship is now in limbo, just that quick. They went from blissful romance on the way down the aisle, and are now in relationship purgatory. How did this happen? Jonathan ignored a cardinal rule: You are always wrong, and once you decide you aren't, you must be prepared to deal with the consequences.

Lets try this scenario again:

D: What did you have for breakfast last week

J: I had eggs and toast last tuesday, then on wednesday I had applesauce and toast, and thursday I missed you too much to eat another bite.

D: Awwwwww

You see the difference?

Okay, I know the breakfast scenario is really wack, but apply it to something in your life that you think is insignificant to some one else. Let's say a past relationship....In today's society 9 out of 10 times if you are interested in someone, so are several other people. Unless you found them in a cave and this is the first time that they've been on the surface of the planet they probably have a past. Your job is accept that and the person, if you want to pursue a relationship with them. The way in which these situations are handled can be an indicator of future behaviors (i.e. if he/she is mean to pets, how would he/she treat your kids). If they blow up about this..........you never know.

It's a sad state of affairs, and now everything is so different.......

Coping with My Human Imperfection

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” - Alden Nowlan

There is a phrase that I picked up a few years ago that I constantly bring up to myself: “Humans are perfectly imperfect.” These four words have served as a powerful remedy in the understanding of my chaotic surroundings: my world, my country, my society, my peers and family. When I realized that all individuals possess this complex characteristic of imperfection, it made me realize that our perspective on society is comprised of too many variables for one to label or define people, situations, and experiences in concrete “universalized” boxes such as good or bad; conservative or liberal; uneducated or educated—life (more specifically human life) is entirely too complex to be subjugated to the simple dualities of black and white. So therefore I like to think that I have grown to rely less on the comfort of generalizations and labels to define the people, places and things that make up my perspective on life. However with that said I’m sure you (Everette) will see (as I always see when I re-read any journal entries of mine) I label/judge individuals and experiences just as anyone else does. But that’s why I like writing; it enables me to see exactly what’s important to me and what areas (all 12 million of them) I need to work on.

Initially I was going to write about my inconsistencies but in an entirely different light. Like most days, yesterday I found myself disappointed in a decision that I made over the last few days. Although I have kept this concept of humanity’s imperfect nature, I continually struggle with the fact that I am not perfect. This is partly due to my pride and the refusal to accept my own human complexities despite the fact that being a “living paradox” (aka being human) is written on my forehead not to mention my actions/behavior. I loathe the fact that these inconsistencies lie in my psyche and heart. I want to be the “good” “smart” “handsome” “wealthy” “perfect humanitarian”….in everyone’s eyes. Maybe that’s the problem with my thinking, why am I so consumed with being the jack of all trades for beings that I said were just as imperfect, inconsistent and judgmental as I am? Shouldn’t I think outside the box with my own growth and personality and not attempt to define (or even strive to define) myself in a certain box—whether it be good or bad?

I think when I fully forgive myself for the inconsistencies of my reoccurring faults and weaknesses, then I believe I will be able to call myself, as Mr. Nowlan says, wise. This entire entry was sparked by a powerful letter that I received from a friend. In the letter the author poses a deep question and response, “So how do you show your best self when people are stuck on who you used to be?—you keep being you, keep being who you want to be.” I think they have it right. Be yourself despite the obvious wrongs that may cloud your past or present (if you are like me) reputation--who cares we all know that there are too many changing variables in life for those past events to define your future!

E

I Preferred Dating Scorpios…not Christians! (ELS)

At the end of 2008, as I got a little closer to D and J from church, they began to give me their personal experiences with dating and expressed how it evolved as they got older—and more importantly got closer to Christ. As 2009 has begun to unveil its mystery, I have seen a shift in my own preferences.

In early January I went on a date with a young lady who was very pretty, intelligent and bohemian—you know the artsy, free spirit that shops at Urban Outfitters type. Anyway, My date is a great girl but personally I think our date came to a halt when I slightly mentioned the importance of my faith. It started when I asked her about any New Year’s resolution that she may have for 2009. She responded in a happy-go-lucky fashion in her explanation of her concept of yearly themes. For her 2007 was the year to “Go Balls Out (I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to),” while 2008 was the “Year of No Regrets.”

Her 2009 theme was so quintessential “Urban Outfitters-esque” that I almost choked on my wine. She stated that 2009 was the year coined, “GET SOME!” Initially I thought this was another opportunity of sexual conquest for me but after I stopped laughing she assured me that her theme was not a sexual innuendo—which came as a disappointment to a part of me.

Then she asked me, “Earnest what’s your New Year’s Resolution?” So I responded by explaining my theme of “2009: The Year of Preparation.” And as I began to elaborate on my vision, I started thinking to myself E don’t expose too much because she might think you are crazy! However, the more I talked about becoming a “relationship investor” rather than a relationship consumer coupled with my desire for 2009 to be a year in which I walk in authority (purposely leaving out where my authority comes from) and refuse to allow fear, doubt or worry to keep my prisoner.

Even after my elaborate description she surprisingly seemed interested—so then I became confident and exposed a little bit more insight concerning my goals for 2009. I told her that my main goal was getting closer to God and that’s when I lost her. She then went into typical hyper-intellectualized defensive response to someone (she was surprised) who was Christian. It was a speech that I had known to well thanks to my experiences at Columbia. The basic undertones of the “Intellectual Response to Religion” speech was one that shows some minimal respect to others views on the universe but ultimately argues true intellect and religious are mutually exclusive traits. And once again, just as in college, I felt I was there on dismissed and thrown in characterization with the religious-right.

We had a great time but unfortunately I think those moments of the date broke any initial connection we might have had. The quote that I will always associate this date with is the following: “I wouldn’t associate myself with a specific religion but I consider myself spiritual (what the hell does spiritual mean…is this side note I’m typing a spiritual experience?)

So I guess God has placed some type of shift in my preferences. This will be a learning experience because I’ve never sought out to include a pre-requisite of attempting a walk with Christ for one I’m interested in dating. But 2009 is a new year full of new thing.

They tell me of a home.......

"Home is where one starts from."
-T.S. Elliott
The title of this post was taken from the title of a book that my mother read not to long ago. It was based on a town very similar to the one from which most of my maternal relatives hail. It tells of the story of a man who leaves his life of manual labor and an unloving family in "Swamp Creek", AR for the world of academia. He comes home to find that everything has changed and that he has become an outsider in his own "home". I'm not sure how relevant this will be to my post, but I felt that it was an interesting title.
Over the past couple weeks, I have been inundated with examples of my hometown on television that were created by people who may or may not have ever stepped foot in the state. I am amazed to see the way in which my hometown is portrayed. It's broken down and placed into the walls of a high school known for being the first integrated public school in the state. While I recognize and appreciate the huge sacrifices that were made by these brave young men and women, I'm kind of over the children at the school continually using its racist history as an excuse not to achieve. By the same token, I can't really deal with people who are striving to achieve using their success to shun those who aren't prepared to take that step.
Let me take it a step further and remind these people that if you look beyond skin color, people are different underneath as well. Not every child of African-American descent, that's born in a nice neigborhood will be a scholar, and at the same time not every one born in the projects will be illiterate. I watched as a student continually spoke to the idea that most black students that attempted an AP course would fail, but it's all about the trying. I feel that the documentary didn't delve into the life of an average African American at that school, it chose several extreme cases.
It basically served up 3 types of Black kids:
A) The Achiever (I hate the term over-achiever as we should all strive to achieve) who was raised around whites and feels alienated from the black population
B) The kid from the wrong side of the tracks who is really trying to leave their less than stellar financial upbringing in the past
C) The sob story of the teenage parent (to pull at our heartstrings)
From this "myriad" of students we were supposed to derive the true state of the African American student in Little Rock.
I happen to be related to 3 National Achievement Scholars who all served as student council president at this very same high school. I feel that this is also a story that warrents telling. Each of them attended HBCU's and gained degrees. I feel that we have enough examples of the kid from the wrong side of the tracks that made good, and of the silver spooners who maintained their social standing. What about the kids whos parents are educators? What about the kids who live in middle class black neighborhoods (those do exist)? What about the kids in those AP classes who don't plan on just trying (they plan on besting their majority counterparts)? Why is this story generally ignored? I guess it doesn't make for good television.
As a native of Little Rock, I'm often sickened by what I see on television. I am almost embarrassed to watch the mockery that is made of my beloved hometown. I guess what sickens me most is the fact that I honestly don't feel like I've done enough personally to change it. I'm continually making plans to move back, but always have one caveat (that the money is right). The truth is I left AR with alot of my parents hopes and dreams in August of 2003 and don't feel that I have the right to return until, I've done all that I can to realize my potential and am a credit to them both. The truth is that I do dream of the day that I make my glorious return, the day when M.E.R.I.T. is up and running, the day that we are truly effecting change. Until such a time, I'll have to continue my love/hate relationship through documentaries and theatrical productions based on that dark time in 1957 and hope that some one gets the story right so that I can stand up and applaud. Applaud with thunderous excitement and proclaim that YES, I AM FROM LITTLE ROCK. Until that time, I continue to work to make my way in this world so that AR can have another son making positive change that it can be proud of................

The journey is my home.

your thoughts E?

"Safety in a Prison of Fear" (ELS)

“Every time we choose safety, we reinforce fear.” - Cheri Huber

“Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are.” - Don Miguel Ruiz

My New Year’s Resolution for 2009 was to begin to live life to the fullest—more specifically not to let the self imposed demons of fear, doubt, and worry stifle my growth as an individual and distract me from achieving my goals and aspirations. Despite my keen insight, to identify these reoccurring obstacles in my life the act of eliminating them from the dialogue of my decision making process is easier said than done.

So what should I do to combat these (what seem to be) natural feelings to make safe and strategic moves throughout life? Growing up my parents were the biggest advocates for the American Dream Narrative. They consistently preached to me that if I worked hard and did well in school I would have opportunities to do whatever you want. I’ve found that this isn’t completely true, if fear is a chief adviser in your decision making process.

Now it is true that you will be exposed to more opportunities, jobs and experiences that individuals from lower classes aren’t privy too, but it also feels sometimes that when you open those doors of opportunities they immediately lock behind you as you walk through. Maybe this is a self-imposed prison that I have locked myself due to the fear I have that others may not accept a decision to leave a good job—even if I’m confident that it’s not my passion.

And as I stay in my “prison” I pace around and have introspective debates concerning what the next chapters in my life should look like—all the while knowing I have the “key” to my freedom but not utilizing it due to the fear of the unknown. You see I know what lies in this prison or better yet this “box” of what is success. But I must strive to remind myself that even though on the outside I’m labeled with having, a good (safe) job, good (safe) neighborhood, good (safe) family, good (safe) wife, good (safe) social class—it still means that I could be missing out on the great (or better yet fulfilling) life that God has for me.

But this could just be me…Thoughts Everette?