Man in the Iron Mask

This is an old post from my Xanga but indicative about how i find myself feeling alot lately......

Honestly it is getting tiring keeping up the facade of a well put together young man. It is no fault of my parents, my upbringing, nor of my environment. I have chosen this prison for myself, but it is time to break out. I am constantly the calm and collected one that pretends as if everything is or will be fine. Recent events have proven to test my ability to keep up this charade. I am often met with feelings of hopelessness, sorrow, and uselessness. I often feel that my existence will not make or break anyone's day. These thoughts will never manifest themselves into anything in the way of self destruction or anything of the sort, but they are thoughts nonetheless. I always walk around with a smile of some sort, because I feel like this problem is mine to be borne by me and no one else. Maybe this is my chief character flaw. I often trust people far more than they should be trusted and pretend to not be hurt and disappointed when the trust is broken (all in an effort to protect my tough exterior). I allow others to thrust their problems on me, because a problem shared is a problem divided right? I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, and I honestly don't know if that decision matters to anyone. I often have feelings of guilt for having lost my scholarships and forcing my parents to help finance my education. I feel as if I've wasted tons of opportunities and disappointed those who I care about. Even the things that once made me happy leave me empty, yet I smile so that people will be none the wiser. For if I let them know how I truly feel, they would have ammo, and I really don't need that. I have a lack of passion and can't think of any activity that truly brings me any measure of enjoyment anymore. I can't really think of the last time that I had a truly happy moment that was honest, sincere, and not magnified in order for others to be convinced that I'm happy. But hey, that's the mask I've chosen to wear......

Requirements

A good friend wrote an interesting blog based on their requirements of a mate. Though that position is currently filled in my life it made me think about what are the non-negotiables that one must possess in order to have at one time be in the running. I shan't put them in numerical order as they are predominently of equal importance. You wanna hear it here it goes.......

-Understand and appreciate my Love for my Heavenly father and his son

-Understand that until we're married that my family is still most important (if you're confused ask my mom)

-Be driven and motivated

-Respect boundaries and personal time

-Love my family (and understand my responsiblity to my lil bro)

- Be open to someday living in AR (It's where I was born and raised and will always hold special importance)
- Respect my bonds with my friends (they've been through the tough times and though you are now more important, you must understand those bonds)
-Act like a lady

-Don't drink too much not attractive

-Dont get unnecessarily beligerent

-Tolerate my singing in the shower....car....kitchen.....living room....in general

-KNOW HOW TO TAKE A JOKE

Well that's what I got for now, maybe I'll update it weekly.......we'll see