This is an old post from my Xanga but indicative about how i find myself feeling alot lately......
Honestly it is getting tiring keeping up the facade of a well put together young man. It is no fault of my parents, my upbringing, nor of my environment. I have chosen this prison for myself, but it is time to break out. I am constantly the calm and collected one that pretends as if everything is or will be fine. Recent events have proven to test my ability to keep up this charade. I am often met with feelings of hopelessness, sorrow, and uselessness. I often feel that my existence will not make or break anyone's day. These thoughts will never manifest themselves into anything in the way of self destruction or anything of the sort, but they are thoughts nonetheless. I always walk around with a smile of some sort, because I feel like this problem is mine to be borne by me and no one else. Maybe this is my chief character flaw. I often trust people far more than they should be trusted and pretend to not be hurt and disappointed when the trust is broken (all in an effort to protect my tough exterior). I allow others to thrust their problems on me, because a problem shared is a problem divided right? I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, and I honestly don't know if that decision matters to anyone. I often have feelings of guilt for having lost my scholarships and forcing my parents to help finance my education. I feel as if I've wasted tons of opportunities and disappointed those who I care about. Even the things that once made me happy leave me empty, yet I smile so that people will be none the wiser. For if I let them know how I truly feel, they would have ammo, and I really don't need that. I have a lack of passion and can't think of any activity that truly brings me any measure of enjoyment anymore. I can't really think of the last time that I had a truly happy moment that was honest, sincere, and not magnified in order for others to be convinced that I'm happy. But hey, that's the mask I've chosen to wear......
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The very idea that you feel irrelevant to the universe around you is beyond me. I've always found you as an individual who draws people like a magnet, even when they don't want to be drawn. And frankly, I am of the genuine opinion that if you suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, it would severely dishearten more people than you or I can count... including myself.
ReplyDeleteAs for your lack of passion... you have one. You just haven't found it yet. God implants a passion in each and every one of us, sometimes more than one. We were placed here to be bored. There are ppl twice your age who still haven't tapped into the reality of what they were called to do here on earth, so don't feel bad. Keep seeking. And PRAY... real talk.
You'll find it.
* This message was approved by President Barack Obama *
[well... not really. But if he were to read it... I think that perhaps he might.]
-Appyljaxx
Correction on last post: * We WEREN'T placed here to be bored. *
ReplyDeleteRegarding you feeling like your existence wouldn't make or break anyone's day, that's absolutely NOT true! Maybe it's something I've only thought and should have said out loud, but you're one of the FEW friends from Howard I have only positive memories of. Laughs, good times, intelligent discussions, and NO DRAMA. It's sad to say how rare that is or how many of the friendships that I originally valued were later marred by unnecessary hijinks (but that's neither here nor there), but I value your presence a lot.
ReplyDeleteI think that most people feel down about themselves at some point, I know a lot of the things you wrote have certainly run through my own head, so know that feeling this way is not at all unusual. I think it’s a natural part of the quarter life crisis. It can be liberating to admit that you really aren’t as together as you’d like, and sometimes you find that the people who seem the most collected really aren’t.
I remember one day at school when I was talking to someone a year ahead of me who just seemed like she had it ALL together. Smart, gorgeous, always impeccably dressed, never a hair out of place, great grades, great job, and making it all look easy. Pretty much living the dream. And one day when she asked how I was, instead of giving my usual “Good.” I was just like “Honestly, I’m kind of a mess.” And she sat down and told me about how much time and work and tears it took to get to a place where she felt settled. And that it was still a lot of hard work. And just knowing that she’d been where I’ve been and my situation wasn’t concrete made me feel a lot better. I think it’s helpful to drop the mask. You’d be surprised at how many people are in your same boat.